Colossians 1-3

Posted on June 1st, 2008 by Beast Made Beauty.
Categories: Bible Study.

There were a couple of things in particular that jumped up and bit me today. I have been thinking on and praying about some things, and I think that I have a better handle on how I should behave as a Christian.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

There is a certain person to whom I have not been particularly loving, even if he isn’t aware of it. When I think of him, what he has done, and what he is now doing, I admit to thinking some pretty awful things in his direction. It isn’t made any better because I haven’t shared my thoughts with him, because I know what is in my heart. I have been full of bitterness, desiring retribution and suffering, and have hoped a bit of discontent for him. It isn’t that I have wanted him to be terribly unhappy, but I guess that I wanted to see him suffer in some way for the ways that he has inflicted pain in my life, and those that I love. While he hasn’t been my enemy, I’ve viewed his happiness as my enemy.

In some ways, I guess that I have allowed my jealousy to cloud my judgment. I have used his neglect and disinterest as excuses for my nasty feelings, as though his actions somehow make my own feelings alright. I have been angry because of what he gives to other people, when he ignores myself and others. I have allowed my fear to develop into bitterness, imagining that he will quite easily replace us with a new life and new family. It has been made all the worse because of what I saw at my Papa’s funeral. I watched as my mom and her brothers were nearly erased from the telling of her father’s life story. Quietly, I wonder if this same thing will be happening to me and my sisters.

There are parts of me that wants to hold onto this aching bitterness, wondering why he could long after a woman who left his bed for a month, but doesn’t blink an eye over not seeing his own children. It makes me wonder what he knows about love and fidelity, that he can pledge love to a new woman while having forsaken the wife that he was supposed to love and keep for the rest of his life, and then barely feigning interest in his progeny. It has been a confusing thing.

No matter how uncertain my feelings are, I still should not be wishing retribution.  That is not love. What is done is done. It’s not my place to mete out judgment, and neither should I poison my own heart with bitterness. It just shows that I have not forgiven my father for his adultery and how it tore apart our family. That is a fault that is mine. I have not forgiven as the Lord has forgiven me. For me, I guess the first step should be making peace with his happiness and praying it in. No matter what he does, I’ll always have a Daddy who loves me more than anything, and who will never forsake me. I pray that he will help me to soften my heart and embrace a deep, forgiving love for my dad.

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May 31, 2008

Posted on May 31st, 2008 by Beast Made Beauty.
Categories: Prayer.

Oh Father, I’ve been away for too long. I know that you have been right here beside me, and it shouldn’t take me so long to turn my head and heart in your direction and talk with you. I am truly sorry. As you know, my thoughts have been jumbled and flighty lately. Please help me to bring my thoughts under control.

Thank you for your many, many blessings. I was thinking on that lady who mysteriously awoke from the dead. I heard about her on the news the other day. I didn’t know at first that she was so far gone that rigor mortis  had set in. You are such a wonder, helping this poor fool to see more and more how glorious and awesome you are.

You know the cries of my heart, even the things that I can’t find words to express. I am full of thanksgiving, overflowing that you bring me to answers that I need to know to grow this little mustard seed of mine. You have blessed me so much.

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February 2: Haggai 1

Posted on February 2nd, 2008 by Beast Made Beauty.
Categories: Bible Study.

This is what the LORD Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways.  Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored,” says the LORD.  “You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the LORD Almighty. “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.

Haggai 1:7-9

This bit of scripture causes me to think on my own habits, and what I am offering to the church. Do I give the first portion to God? Do I honor him the way that he desires? Am I as committed to the assembly of the saints as I should be?

I can’t say that the answer is truly ‘yes’ to any of these things, and it makes me sad.

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February 1: Zephania 3

Posted on February 1st, 2008 by Beast Made Beauty.
Categories: Bible Study.

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

It sounds so silly, but why have I never thought of the Lord as one who sings? We sing our praises, and I know that singing to the Lord brings such great joy for me. I can’t imagine why I never thought that God would sing over his people. Even just the thought of what it might be like to hear the voice of the Lord raised in song, it sends goosebumps over my body.

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January 27, 2008

Posted on January 27th, 2008 by Beast Made Beauty.
Categories: Prayer.

Father, I feel so unsettled tonight. I feel anxious somewhere within, and I am in a jumble. Please be with me. Please guide me in releasing this tension that I do not need to carry. Give me ears to hear, and an open heart as I lay my head down tonight. I know that you hear my whispers. Father, help me to hear yours. Help me to quiet my own inner chatter and begin to learn from your Word, and listen to the Holy Spirit.

Thank you so much for watching over us today, especially while we were traveling to and from church. Thank you for keeping Ash safe from harm when she slid on the ice the other day. Father, help me to know how I can best help their family. You know what their needs are, and how they will best be met. Please bring help for them as they struggle to replace their wreaked car or find another way to get to work.

Thank you so much for giving me this wonderful church family to be a part of. I was so happy to spend time with them today. Please help me to be more patient when Pumpkin is fooling around in church. I should know better than to expect adult behavior from a child. Holy Spirit, please move within this little girl’s heart and show her your love, and how to love you more.

Jesus, I am ever reminded of how useless and vain striving each day would be, without  your having loved us enough to pay the wages of sin. Beloved Jesus, I am so thankful that you did such a wonderful thing for me. The wonder of it washes over me again and again, and my heart and mind are still overcome with it. I have been so greatly blessed. Please set me ablaze with the courage and zeal to happily proclaim this good news to other people, regardless of how hostile they may be. You spoke to crowds of thousands. Please help me to do the same, one person at a time, sharing with them the greatness of your love for them.

Goodnight, dear Lord.

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January 26, 2008 : Nahum 1

Posted on January 26th, 2008 by Beast Made Beauty.
Categories: Bible Study.

If there is anything that has struck me so much about reading the first chapter of Nahum, it is the power of God. So many times, people look at our planet and they attribute all the calamity or goodness to “Mother Earth”, as though this planet is a living and sentient being. If ever there has been such a sentient being to author lush paradise, or rip the world open in fire and steam, it is our God. The Lord is great, above all else.

I imagine his nature being described like a watched pot over fire. He is loving and slow to anger, but the wickedness and evil ways of his enemies stokes that flame until the bubbles begin to rise to a boiling cauldron. I have no experience with the way that the Lord may seek to punish a wicked people, only ancient writings and pondering on amazing events.

It makes me wonder how God could be so merciful to me, as I have stood my ground and stubbornly stomped my foot like a petulant child when I haven’t gotten my way.  I have put myself at odds with God, and still he did not crush me. Instead, he showed me his patience and generosity.

Who can withstand his indignation?
Who can endure his fierce anger?
His wrath is poured out like fire;
the rocks are shattered before him.

The LORD is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him,

Nahum 1:6-7

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January 25, 2008

Posted on January 25th, 2008 by Beast Made Beauty.
Categories: Prayer.

Gracious Heavenly Father…

You know the concerns of my heart, before my lips can even speak them. You know the turmoil that I have been feeling. Though I don’t usually know how to pray, I am ever greatful for the Holy Spirit interceding for me. His utterances and groans are so much more sufficient than the stumbling attempts that I make, though I still continue to try.

Oh Father, help me to feel unburdened by how others view me, or how I fear that they do. Please encourage my heart to feel light in the understanding that what YOU say about me is the truth, and not what others whisper about me amongst themselves.

Daddy, you are so much bigger than I am. It is a reassurance. People say far worse things about you, and still you are slow to anger and quick to forgive. Help me to be more like you. While I am not angry, I feel that I am pulling more inside myself and swallowing my hurt and upset like a seed of bitter sadness. I don’t want to feed it and have it growing inside me. Instead, I want to be loving and forgiving. I wish that I could forgive like you do. I don’t feel that I am doing it the right way, because I still remember the wrongs. Am I truly giving forgiveness from my heart if it still hurts me to think on the things that have been said and done?

I feel very conflicted about forgiveness. It isn’t that I am looking for a way to hold a grudge, but I don’t know what to do when someone refuses to admit that they purposefully hurt me- let alone ask my forgiveness. Do I forgive them anyway, whether they ever know of it? I understand that I’m supposed to forgive a brother again and again, just like you have mercy on me when I repeatedly do wrong and stupid things.

You certainly are above me, because I don’t know how you could deal with all of us treating you poorly, even when we are trying to “be good”. If anyone knows what it is like to have a loved one treat you as an enemy, it would be you. Lord, please guide me in the way that you would have me go. I hate this awkwardness and strife so much. I hate that my first reactions are to try and protect myself, without trusting you to be with me. Help me to use kindness in such an overwhelming way that it becomes as heaps of coal. More than that though, Father, please create in me a right spirit so that I don’t begin to think of myself as “the better person” for it.

I love you.

Goodnight…

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