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Loneliness For An “Only Child”
Loneliness For An “Only Child”
by Mrs. Jenna Pinson
My husband and I have been greatly blessed by God to be able to raise our daughter. We didn't know it when we conceived her, but I have a blood disorder that has a 90% infant fatality rate when untreated. Against all of the odds though, our little girl was given just enough time in the womb, and after a stay in the NICU, she was able to come home as a healthy (if very small) baby girl in pink.
While we have had two other children, our “Pumpkin” has been the only child we have had the opportunity to raise. So, while many of my friends talk about the challenges that come with raising many children in a home, I have the opportunity to talk with you who are struggling to meet the unique needs of an “only child”. One of the biggest issues that we have encountered has been the ever-present fight against loneliness. I wanted to write about this today, as the winter months can serve to make life particularly hard on an “only child”, especially if that child happens to be homeschooled.
We have been blessed to have a somewhat large family, and that has helped our loneliness issue a great deal. As soon as her cousins were born, I made sure to take Pumpkin to see them frequently, encouraging her to play with them and develop bonds of friendship. Because of this, she looks at her cousins more like siblings than anything else. This has been so helpful for us, as our family tends to be rather constant- unlike neighborhood friends who move away. While this hasn't eliminated the pain that comes with good friends leaving, having another friend to play with certainly dulls the pain and dries the tears a little faster.
Children of Pumpkin's age are not always available to play, especially not on beautiful spring mornings. Because of this, we learned to look for unique friendship opportunities. Some of Pumpkin's favorite people are old enough to be her great-grandparents! On a rather lonely day, she can be perked up by a visit to the sweet grandma who lives four blocks down. They wander through Abuelita's flower garden together, talking about the different plants. Pumpkin never fails to come home with a bouquet on those days! Maybe we will walk to the market for some bread, and Pumpkin can talk with her favorite cashier with all of the pretty silver earrings. If exercise is what she needs, we often walk down to the toddler playground so she can play with the younger children. She loves to “mother hen” over them and teach them how to go down the slide without fear. Then, when the little ones are tired, we walk along the river-side boardwalk so she can talk to the old men as they fish. They show her their catch, and she gets such a kick out of the fish swimming in buckets.
While it is wonderful for Pumpkin to have a variety of playmates, I am constantly reminded of her special needs as an only child. She can sometimes be overwhelmed by children, when she doesn't have an opportunity to step back and play by herself for a while. I noticed this the most when Pumpkin would have her cousins over to play. After a few hours, she would want to separate herself from the other children so she could play quietly by herself for a little while. It reminded me that while I have wanted to immerse her in “socialization”, that's not always what she wants. Because she doesn't live in a house that is bouncing with children all of the time, Pumpkin sometimes needs quiet time to rest from all of the activity, noise, and demands of other children.
On cold winter days, her father and I may be Pumpkin's only company. She doesn't seem to mind that much though. I've found that the trick to these days is to keep her occupied, which makes her happy. I make sure to keep the television off, and instead have her work with me during the day. We turn on the radio and dance together, wash dishes together, fold laundry together. Together is the important word. We talk about silly things and important things, and make sure to throw lots of hugs and kisses in between folding towels. I put my arms around her to hold her hand as I show her how to flip pancakes on the griddle, or how to properly stir hot soup on the stove.
When the chores are done, we really enjoy playing cards and board games. Not only are these fun ways to spend time together, they also sharpen the mind and further mathematics. Of course, there is also the good medicine of laughter to make any day better, because we can't help but laugh whenever Pumpkin tries to “double jump” every one of my checkers on the board at the same time (just NOT happening! *lol*)
Every family is different, so maybe only a few of these ideas would work for you and yours. I hope that I've helped you to start the wheels a' turning, thinking up new and creative ways to tie bonds of love with your ‘only child'. It isn't so much about keeping them busy all of the time, but giving them good opportunities to learn and grow closer to other people. If there is anything that I've learned about friendships through our daughter, it is that quality is certainly better than quantity. She doesn't desire a large amount of “fair weather friends”. Instead, she longs after close relationships with a few people whom she can wrap her heart around. In some ways, that is much more challenging than finding play dates and suitable church outings. Thankfully, two of Pumpkin's very best friends live right here with her – Daddy and Mommy. She never has to go too far to find an ear to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to laugh with.
Sharing of Toys
by Mrs. Jenna Pinson
I try very hard to keep only enough toys in Pumpkin's room that will fit within her toy box when the lid is closed. While that helps to limit the messes that can be created in her small room, I am still sometimes amazed at how well the children can make those few toys look like legion. *laughs* Still, for all of the toys there are, I couldn't even manage to go to the bathroom without being interrupted with whines and cries about the toy situation.
For us, the thing that has worked is to have a “2 toy rule”. Simply, each child can have two toys out of the box at one time, and they are *only* allowed to play with those two toys until they return one or both in exchange for fresh toys. Not only does this encourage the children to constantly pick up after themselves, it solves the squabbling over toys. If one child took the toy from the box, no other child can claim it. I have only to ask who took the toy from the box, and then the kiddos look around sheepishly before returning it to it's temporary “owner”.
Another bonus of having our “2 toy rule” is that the children share the toys more easily. They know that they will have their own turn. It doesn't take long for a 3 year old to tire of one toy, so the turn-over rate is fast enough that everyone stays happy. When I notice that anyone is beginning to monopolize certain toys, then I simply have all of the children clean up the bedroom and come away for another activity. We may play a board game, watch an educational video, or have a snack. When they return to the room, all of the toys are available to choose from again, and everyone has a chance to pick a toy that they haven't yet had a turn with. It does tend to help that we have multiple dinosaur toys, and a couple different trucks for the boys. *laughs*
The Dinner Table
By Mrs. Jenna Pinson
I can remember the heat and smells wafting out from the kitchen, making our house smell rich and vibrant. Some days it was the soft smell of baking bread, enough to make your mouth water before you even touched a foot to the front porch. Other days it was the zesty aroma of hot chilli to warm us from the inside out. Most of all though, it was a time to connect with everyone. When I sit down at my own dinner table now, in my mind I can overlook the pale color of my own table, and instead invision the dark wood that I remember from my childhood. When I sit down to dinner with my own small family now, with my daughter by at my side, I think of the many years that I spent sitting next to my own Mama. Now, I'm sure that this does not seem like a big deal to some people. I, however, remember times during the first couple years of my marriage where our mealtime was not a priority.
As a young wife, I was feeling that much was over my head as I took over my own household. I had watched my Mama cook, and had helped from time to time. I had even managed to make Thanksgiving dinner on my own one year. However, one meal does not a happy home make. So, for a long time, it was a rarity that I expended much effort in the kitchen. Frozen pizzas and boxed meals were our normal fare, thrown in to cook quickly. Our table became a place to catch mail and clutter, as we sat down on the couch to eat before the television. At first, I didn't recognize that there was anything wrong. I was content at the time, and I thought that my husband was also.
I can speak more from a place of maturity now, looking back on how I handled my responsibilities as a wife and mother during this trying time of learning. As I began to reflect back on how my Mama ran our home, cooked our meals, and brought us together each day, I realized that I wasn't very happy with how I was managing my own home. So, as I became aware, more and more meals began to find themselves on the table when my husband came home, hot and ready to refresh him after a hard day of work. An amazing thing began to happen. The more time that we began to spend around the table, the more we craved it. Instead of only having dinner together, my daughter and I began sitting together for lunch. I began getting up early in the morning to make breakfast for my husband, before he headed off to work. Let me tell you, that particular endeavor has been trying. *laughs* For as much as I love the morning, waking up before the sun is not something that I feel naturally made to do. But, with all of the trials of the day, the errands, housework, schooling, it is good to have a time to just sit together and be at peace. That quiet time of the evening is a real blessing, when we can put everything else aside and just enjoy being together. I also feel doubly blessed by the influence that regular family meals have had on our daughter.
Our little girl is quite young, and only just learning about God. Still, she speaks to Him each and every day through prayer. I've heard the quiet laughter and funny comments when family visit for a meal, over the most simple dinner prayer that I could think of. Each night our daughter folds her hands and says, "Mommy, I'll say it this time." She bows her head and reverently says, "Thank you God, for this food. Amen." While some people think that this is laughably simple, my heart is lifted each time I hear her childish voice raised up in prayer. Because of our dinner prayers, our daughter has become more and more curious about God. This has opened up so many venues for me to talk to her about our Creator, and His great love for us. The seed is planted, and now I have been granted the great priviledge of watering and nurturing it. Our God is so good!
My dinner table has been key to reclaiming time for me and my family. It has been a place of peace and communication. Drawing off of what I learned to cherish as a child, I have been able to reclaim this place within my kitchen, so that I can help create pleasant memories for myself and the rest of my family. This seemingly small change in our lives has been such a fount of blessings that I thank the Lord for.
Who knew that something so small as having a meal together could lead to so many blessings?
Dear Marmee, The Interview
with Mrs. Jenna Pinson
Jenna: When was it, in your life, that you decided that caring for your family and managing your household was going to be a top priority in your life?
Marmee: I met my husband-to-be when I was 14 - he was 24. It was a very *unique* situation with my older sister being engaged to marry his younger brother. Of course I was still in high school but my whole desire was just to be a wife and homemaker. So I used those highschool years to take advantage of every home economics course the school offered (it was a Christian private school so offered much more than a public school would). I even took college home-ec courses my senior year in high school as I had already taken everything offered at the high school level.
I married my *sweetie* at 18 after I graduated. He had very strong convictions on a woman's calling to her home and so it made it easy for me to be HOME. Our home was (is) my life. I didn't have anything else to do as a new bride, home each day as he went off to work M-F, no vehicle to gad about in since we only had 1 car and he had it at work, no babies, in our home way out in the country so my days were filled with making a comfortable haven for my husband, cooking his meals and keeping his house. I loved it and I will say that I am so thankful for my husband's guidance in my life in supporting me to be a full time homekeeper. He never has ever put any pressure on me to help supply money for the family bills and has always supported us faithfully even though he makes a very modest salary.
I remember my sister telling me once (she is married to my husband's brother) “my husband said he would never send me to *work* outside our home if we only had 1 potato left in the house.” and that has been my husband's firm conviction too that the man is the provider and the woman the keeper of the home. So I've been very blessed to be able to fill the days of my married life with everything that home encompasses. Many women would of course in these modern, feministic times think that was so pathetic….so dull. But to me it is an honor, a high-calling, a privilege and I love being “home.”
Jenna: How has your relationship with God affected how you manage your time within your home?
Marmee: Well, I know God has given us his Word to follow and there is much in there about our days, our time, our lives…oh they are so short! I try to fill every day with accomplishments…that might not last long..you know as soon as we clean up the kitchen…shortly it will be messy again and we start cleaning it up all over again…but we are ministering to our children, our husband with the things we accomplish at home. When we do it as unto the Lord, even if it is for the least of these, it is as if we were doing it for Christ.
I have had some sort of home business nearly all our married life. Either sewing for money, or catering and now my small publishing company and MarmeeDear & Co . So my days are full. We have homeschooled our 11 children since the mid 1980's or really from their births as every single day….all day…we are teaching our children by our words, our example, our life. Just because you don't have the Math workbook open to page 10, with your child doing addition, doesn't mean you are not homeschooling.
For us, homeschooing is just adding academics to our every day life. Homeschooling is something that is not easy for me. I am not a gifted teacher but I love having my children at home with us all day every day. We have 5 that have graduated from our homeschool and they encourage me everytime I feel like I might not be getting it all done with the 6 we have left at home. The older 5 are all successful, mature adults and know the Lord as their Savior. So when I get discouraged that there just isn't enough time in each day to get it all done, and feel like I might be missing something in our schooling that we didnt' get to that day….I remember that the older ones are happy well adjusted, adults and they went thru our family's school and are doing just great and it encourages me that everything will be all right if I just keep being faithful to teach them one day at a time. I like to keep things *moving* in my home….so if we are dusting and straightening up the living room - I like to be playing scripture being read aloud on a tape. or if we are all together on the deck snapping beans from the garden - I'll have them practice their memory work or multiplication tables to me. If I am making our daily bread, I'll have a couple of them at the island in the kitchen doing workbook pages where I can keep them working and answer questions as I make out loaves. I also love to fill our home with good, old-fashioned hymns and spiritual songs. It makes me feel like the Lord is right with us (He always is!) but it reminds us of some beautiful promises as the words to the songs play over and over.
Jenna: What are some of the homemaking skills that you believe are most important for young women to know?
Marmee: I would say basic cooking skills, organizational skills and some sewing skills. Ha! That is too much? I don't think so. If a wife has not learned these by the time she marries, she certainly may begin to learn anytime…but I would say they NEED to be acquired. Now if you've married a fellow that loves to cook..then you might not need your cooking skills as much as the rest of us…but certainly your husband won't always be able to manage all the food prep that is required in most famlies. My older boys who are of marrying age keep their eyes peeled for a girl that can cook like their momma. I am not such a great cook…it is simple if you have a recipe. If you can read you can follow a recipe. I feel cooking and baking are skills that are learned. The more you practice the better you get! Same with most any game! I also find that many women absolutely have no clue about organization so their houses are a shambles. You should have a place for everything and everything should be in its own little home unless you are using it!
Now with a houseful that can be a trick and I would never have you believe that everything in my home is always in its own little place…we are always into some sort of project and so things are out and about and being well-used most of the time…but when we are done it is nice to know they have a place where they can be put until next time and then of course you can find it when you need it again. Houses are full of cupboards, shelves, and closets…so I would say knowing how to organize is a must to keep your home in good order.
And then there is sewing! Allergic to needles? I have had so much joy in my life from my sewing skills and I wasn't born with them! I learned them. I have been able to make money for some extra goodies, I have been able to supply my children with lovely garments, I make nearly all my own clothes and I make all my husband's pants and winter outergarments. With thrift stores abounding I know you can many times do things much less expensively but I wouldn't give away my ability to sew for anything. I was able to design and make my daughter's wedding dress and all the garments for the wedding party, make curtains for our home, and on the list goes. I have made countless gifts for friends for literally next to nothing because of knowing how to sew. If you just despise to sew then I would say the minimum you should know is how to mend and repair. I have done alterations for money and it just seems ridiculous to me that a full-grown woman would pay me to sew on one small button and take 4 or 5 stitches in a tear in a garment. Each and every woman should be able to do that for her own family.
A few months ago I was able to see a dream fulfilled when my publication, TREASURY of VINTAGE HOMEKEEPING SKILLS came back from the press. It is filled with chapters on cooking & baking, sewing, quilting, crocheting, housekeeping and much much more. It is everything in 1 book that I would share with a young wife - sort of everything I would teach her if I had her at my home over a period of time. And I was so blessed to be able to wrap it all up in one lovely package (a book) so I can share it with many many more women than I would ever be able to reach in my small circle.
Jenna: What are some ways that older women can support the younger generations of homemakers, and fulfill their Titus 2 calling?
Marmee: I think mostly just being there for them - being close by for help, questions. If there is one near you that you can watch for an example and to have her give you regular encouragement that is wonderful. But many do not have that privilege. As mothers we must take that responsibility ourselves and teach our own daughters. I gladly gave my daughter up to her own home when she married as I KNEW she was ready to manage her own home! I had taught her by my side for those 22 years and she was perfectly capable of managing a home of her own. Of course we still chat almost daily and she is still learning, well, for that matter so am I!! I hope I never stop learning but for those of us older that have already “been there” - we can encourage and give help to those who are coming along behind us.
Jenna: Do you have any last words of encouragement for women who are new to “choosing home”, and are feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of home?
Marmee: I would say to be faithful - home is your calling - It is the best place you can be. It is your place of protection. If you feel inadequate to do your job - then learn how to do it better. If you had just taken a new job at the local court house as a secretary you would be learning all you needed to know to do your job well, right? So if you feel you need to learn more to do a GOOD job as a homekeeper then by all means - get to it. Do you need to learn how to cook a hearty, delicious meal? Then find a good recipe book at the library and try out something simple to surprise your family. If it doesn't turn out so great, try again and see if you can correct your mistake. Have confidence in your ability as a homekeeper. Since God has put you there as the manager of your home He WILL give you the ability to do a good job at it. Ask Him for help, for guidance and do the best you can.
One thing that helped me thru the years when I had many, many small children at home and was pregnant with another every other year, and some days felt like I couldn't handle one more day…This help came from an older (much older) godly lady. She had borne 11 children in 12 years, they were now all grown, married and she was recently widowed. She pulled me said at church one Sunday, I was heavy with a baby that was overdue and had 8 little ones round me and she asked me how I was. I unloaded on her all my woes and was lamenting that I felt like the baby would never come…and she just quietly said to me…I want you to remember — whatever you are going thru today — “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”. She said just tell yourself when it seems really tough and you don't think you can make it..say it out-loud to yourself. THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And I have never forgotten it…I've said it to myself many, many times and you know..it is true. It has been 7 years since I've borne a child…all those heavy, difficult, tiring days of pregnancy are over..it passed….and now I'm being blessed with grandbabies. Whatever you are going through…it will soon pass…and you will have something else to face…it may be wonderful..it may be difficult..but in each and every situation we need to keep our minds and hearts on eternity
…If the toast burns, if the toddler spills the whole gallon of milk, if your 9 year old can't seem to memorize the multiplication tables..stop and think..should I lose it over this?
Will this really matter in eternity — if not - take it calmly and remember it will pass and just be faithful for the moment. You know when our lives are over and they are fleeting, we are told in the Bible that we came into this world with nothing and we will take nothing with us…but there is something that will matter in eternity - our children's souls - that is something you CAN take with you to eternity - what kind of example are you being to those precious souls that have been entrusted to your care? Do they see any Christ-likeness in their mother?
“O give us Homes, built firm upon the Savior. Where Christ is head and . A home where love is…..”
Finding Prizes At The Thrift Store!
by Mrs. Jenna Pinson
When I have the time, I like to sift through the “thrift” books, looking for things such as children's dictionaries, children's bibles, science themed books, and old classics. As I am horrible about getting books back to the library on time, this has been wonderful for our family. The prices are very reasonable, and I don't have to worry about one of my nephews “decorating” the book in crayon or marker. It is a lot easier to smile while putting crayons away if I only paid twenty cents for a book, versus having to pay the library ten dollars for a replacement book!
Why Our Family Chose Home Education
by Mrs. Jenna Pinson
Our chief reason for choosing home education is that we wanted the freedom to teach our child about God without the conflict that can arise because of how public schools handle issues of faith. With Deuteronomy 6:4-9 in mind, we felt that the best way that we could teach our child continually was to have her with us, and not spending the majority of her waking hours at a public school.
In addition to the freedom to teach unhindered by the public school, we feel very strongly that it is our responsibility to educate our own child(ren) . I have read nothing in the Constitution of the United States that gives over the power and authority of education to our government. Instead, it is my understanding that the responsibility of education was first given to parents by the Lord, and that that model was kept in mind as our country was founded. That's not to say that public education is wrong in and of itself, but that it is not something to be forced on free citizens of this country. Public school is a blessing to parents who struggle to educate themselves, let alone their children. It is also a great blessing to parents who work with desperation to put food on the table, and do not feel capable of meeting the educational needs of their children. While I am not very supportive of how public education is managed, I do not look down on parents who choose to send their children to school. We each make decisions on what is best for our own family.
From an academic standpoint, homeschooling has given us the opportunity to explore areas of interest that Pumpkin has. While she still must write out spelling words like the other children her age, she also has the freedom to study how paper is made on one day, and then study root structures the next. It is a joy to us that she is able to work at whatever pace she is ready for, and is not held back nor left behind based on the progress of a group of children. Her individual needs are met, not sacrificed because of the limitations that public school teachers have. The task of public school teachers is daunting, and they certainly have my respect. I am happy to lighten their load by teaching my own child at home, thereby reducing their class size slightly and giving the other children a better opportunity for individual attention by their teacher.
There are just a few short explanations for why we choose to homeschool. There truly are a multitude of reasons that we feel compelled to make this decision. I hope that other young parents out there are able to find the information that they need in order to make informed decisions about all possible education options. I am of a mind to say that no matter what we parents do for our children, it should be because we looked at every option and chose what was in the best interest of our little ones- not something that we chose just because it's “how it's always been”.
Did I break our homeschool?
by Mrs. Jenna Pinson
While I admit that I am not the most skilled at interpreting the instructions contained in most build-it-yourself furniture, I do have a fairly sufficient understanding of the various quirks of personality that make up my daughter. I attribute this understanding to this great well of motherly love that resides somewhere in the general vicinity of my heart. I've never been a particularly maternal female, at least I've never thought of myself that way. I've also never been the most astute of students. Goodness, I nearly fed the dog a can of Manwich last night, having accidentally placed it in the cupboard with the cans of dog food. That aside, because of this great love that I have for this little sub-unit, the time that we spend together has a great impact on the both of us.
For our family, the conversations about “which school” ended when we realized that some people chose to teach their children at home. I think that my brain nearly exploded, having become suddenly overloaded with the possibilities. Thankfully, I learned about homeschooling while our daughter was still toddling around the house. Because of that, she has never been to public school.
One of the benefits to being an odd parent is that no one expects me to be “normal”. (*laughs*) Since I am not expected to easily fit into a mold, no one has ever sought to confine or mold our homeschool experience either. Instead, our neighbors expect to see us walking around the neighborhood at odd times, doing odd things. No one has ever called the police on me for “suspicious behavior” because I am taking photographs in the neighborhood. I suspect that it may be because they have overheard my dear daughter and I talking about our nature “finds”, and seen her sketching in her notebook while browsing the trees with a set of camouflage binoculars.
We “do school” in our own fashion, most likely because we view learning as a grand adventure, and not something to toil through. Instead of feeling overcome by tedious mathematics, I sit down with her and we actually have a friendly competition for correct math problems. (Of course I win! But, I do let her beat me by getting it done ‘first' on occasion. *wink*) I don't find this difficult at all, and that is what gives me a little problem. I see people exhorting parents to examine this heavy, heavy decision… and the information isn't “clicking” for me. Maybe it is because I have been a “stay at home” mom for the entirety of my child's life, and quite possibly because I realized long ago that I am not “Super Housekeeper”. To me, homeschooling has simply been an extension of what I was already doing. I taught her how to talk, why not move on to reading? I taught her how to count her fingers and toes, why not move into more complicated math? I taught her how to write her name, why not move onto sentences, paragraphs, and even books?
This is simply the life that I know of as “Mommy”. There hasn't been a day of her life that I haven't been teaching, a day that she hasn't been learning. I am sure that maybe my house would be a little less cluttered if she went off to school each morning. I would probably have mastered the laundry a little better, but those things wouldn't be nearly as edifying as spending quality time with my daughter. For us, it's not all about SCHOOL. It's not about how many facts can be crammed into a brain, because we all know that we adults tend to forget most of what we have learned. Instead, it is about providing a place of security, love, faith, and enrichment- which all help to encourage a sense of joy in learning new and valuable things. It doesn't seem like a tedious chore for me because I am also being encouraged and enriched.
While I may not quite understand the directions that others give me, I work out the kinks on my own. In the end, we have a unique learning environment that is suited to our needs. I'm pretty sure that I haven't managed to break our homeschool. Maybe my expectations are just different from those of some other parents.
